Hatchet Hilda

Hatchet Hilda and the Voodoo Doll

INT.  A RADIO STUDIO

HILDA is a senior citizen who looks much more pleasant than she is manning a set of earphones and a desk, DOUG is in the attached control room. 

HILDA

 Hi, I’m  Hilda Crabshot and you’re listening to Hatchet Hilda’s pirate radio, where we talk politics and take no prisoners.  Thanks for tuning in.  My producer  Doug is in the corner there.  Say Hello Doug!

DOUG

Hello Doug

HILDA

Oh, hehe!  Very nice!  Well We’ve asked you our listeners to send in your letters to the Prime Minister Harper and the response has been just amazing!  It’s just wild how many of you out there are  just fit to be tied!  Isn’t that right Doug?

DOUG

That’s right,  we haven’t had this much mail since you threatened to kick the shit out of Rona Ambrose!

HILDA

Hussy.  Anyway, We’re going to read as many as we can on air, so keep them coming Canada!  This first one is from Fred in Manitoba, he writes…

Dear Prime Minister Harper,

My name is Fred Quartz, I’m a waste disposal technician for the City of Winnipeg and I just listened to one of your ministers give a speech about overpaid city workers.  I’d like everyone to know how much you make a year.  When I looked I found out it was over $350,000!

Can you believe that Doug?  If I had his money I’d set mine on fire.  Fred goes on to write.

That’s just rich. You can walk around shaking hands with politicians, building fake lakes, and drinking diet cokes while I make $45 grand cleaning up your messes, literarily.  Day in and day out I clean out the garbage that you and everybody else makes and pay almost half of it so that you can spend every waking moment of your time trying to do away with my union, slash my benefits and cripple my pension!  I’ve had enough!  You can go jump in that fake lake of yours and keep your goddamn nose away from people making an honest living doing jobs you wouldn’t last a day in. 

Suck my Waste Disposing balls,

Fred.

HILDA

Wow he does sound angry doesn’t he Doug?

DOUG

He’s madder than two cats in a duffle bag

HILDA

It’s like this Fred, you need to let off some steam and you need to be constructive.  When this dipshit PM of ours does something that really gets me mad …

Hilda pulls out from behind her desk a voodoo doll dressed in a vest and cowboy hat.  As she lists off the things you can do to Steve Junior, she smacks it around, before finally taking a lighter to his toes.

…I like to pull out old Steve Junior here, my authentic Haitian Voodoo doll, and really go to work on him.  You can stick him! You can twist him, you can hold him underwater!  I have a wonderful idea!  Let’s burn his gold bricking toes off!

Hilda smiles and claps as Steve Junior is set ablaze with a barbecue lighter, DOUG immediately sets upon the fire with an extinguisher.

DOUG

Jesus Christ Hilda we talked about this!

HILDA

Easy Dougie, I got carried away, good work!  Don’t lose your shit

Fin